Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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