why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
