"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?