That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?