I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
His hands were made for my vagina.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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