I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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