this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
