I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Randomize
