Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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