I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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