conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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