dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
