you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
