So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
