My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
