How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
my nose is crying tears of wow.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
