I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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