dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
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I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
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