I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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