he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
