3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
