epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
