the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
