I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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