I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
just turned my empty handle of passion fruit smirnoff into a fish bowl. I love college.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
