apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
