Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
