my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
