the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
