Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
