Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
Randomize
