Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I want a musical about memes.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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