You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
