Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
organizing the empties. That sober.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
