I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Randomize
