I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
