i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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