She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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