I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
