If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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