Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
