my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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