We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
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Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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