so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
