can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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