theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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