i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
