so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Two words: blizzard sex
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
Randomize
