the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
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