I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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