just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
