He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
