Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Randomize
