no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
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