I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
