I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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