I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
