Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
he fucked my hip out of place.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
