New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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