I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
