Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
