he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
